Look Back.

I could tell from the moans and sighs that I was doing it right. Even if it seemed he like he was trying to over-convince me that he liked it.
You see, I can't remember all the times I've gien head. Although, if I could I know it wouldn't be much more than a handful. One of the pervious times was actually the guy who was now moaning and sighing.
I was keeping my eyes closed, and thinking everything I did through carefully. I wanted this time to be good, I wanted him to remember it. You see, I wasn't sure I was going to see him again after that night. So I decided to give him a goodbye present I hoped he wouldn't soon forget.
I gently wrapped my tongue around him and pushed him as deep into my mouth as I could. Hearing his gasp of pleasure I began to pull up slowly, suckins softer and then harder as I neared the top. I heard his heavy breathing, and began to bob my head faster and faster until he tapped my shoulder to indicate that he was close to coming.
I sat up and leaned my head back against the seat and watched as he bit his lip and looked around. It never really mattered what we were doing, or where we were, he was always alert. That's one of the reasons I always felt safe with him. Well that and the badge, but honestly, who doesn't feel safe when they're with a cop?
About a minute after I'd sat up I noticed he had calmed down a bit and I began to kiss him lightly while caressing him with my hand. When I felt that he was hard enough I went down on him again. And his moans and sighs were once again reassurance that I was doing it right.
But this time his hans began to wander, he ran his fingers down my back and squeezed my ass tightly. I squeezed his thigh in reply. Not because I actually got any pleasure from his attempt, but just for the fact that I appreciated the try. He then slid his hand up my side, almost cupping half of my torso, and he squeezed.
I immediately tensed up, afraid he would hurt the baby, our baby, but my thoguhts seemed to laugh at my worry because all I could think was: "You're getting rid of it anyway, who cares if it's hurt or not?"
So I relaxed.
After I'd finished I sat up and leaned back. I looked over and saw him almost tremble with pleasure and I smiled softly. After about twenty seconds he looked at me and sighed. "You didn't have to do that." His voice came out weak. I smiled and shook my head.
"I wouldn't've done it if I felt I had to." He tilted his head to the side as if he wasn't sure of my sincerity, and then he shrugged. Afterwards we sat in silence for a few minutes and then he looked at me with his piercing blue eyes and asked: "So now what happens?" I thought quietly for a second and then responded slowly.
"Well, you're going to drop me off, and right before I get out of the car I'm going to look at you, smile, and say: 'I had fun, I'll talk to you later?' and then you'll say: 'Yeah, I'll call you later or something.' Then you'll lean over, give me a hug and a soft kiss, and then I'll get out of the car and walk away without looking back, because if I look back then I'll be admitting that I care if you're still there or not, and that I hope you're looking, and I can't afford to show those feelings." I laughed lightly at my sudden exposure of emotions as he looked at me somberly. "And then you'll call me in about two weeks, like you always do... or you won't." I felt my eyes fill with tears and my voice then began to crack. "I actually never really expect you to call...so when you do it's like a happy surprise..." He looked at me sadly and we both knew that this time there'd be no call.
We sat silently for a moment as I fought back my tears, and then he began to drive me home.
I don't remember a lot from that car ride, I just remember blowing on the red lights so they'd turn green like I did when I was little. I almost think I should've been blowing on the green ones.
As we pulled into market square, which was about a block from my house, he stopped and looked at me. "So, what is it that you need to say?" I sighed again for what felt like the millionth time that night.
"I love you." I began shakily, hoping it wouldn't send him into a panic attack. "Not in a 'I want to marry you' kinda way, or even in a dating way. I just-" and then his attention was suddenly stolen by an ambulance, who had its siren on, going by. I waited about ten seconds until I had his attention again, and then continued. "I love you for the person that you are. and you need to remember that I think you're amazing, and that you don't give yourself enough credit or wiggle room. You're perfect because you're you, the only time you aren't perfect is when you try to be something you're not." We sat in silence just looking at each other for a few seconds, and then I fixed a smile on my face in an attempt of normalcy.
"I had a great time, talk to you later?" And then my fears were confirmed, because he didn't say anything at all, he just leaned over and kissed me. It wasn't the best kiss I'd ever recieved, nor was it the worst, it was just the first time I was able to kiss someone goodbye.
When we pulled away from the kiss I attempted to smile as tears filled my eyes again and I whispered goodbye. He nodded while looking back and forth at my eyes as if willing my tears to go away. I smiled one last time and then got out of the truck and began to walk away.
As I walked I said a prayer for him, for the baby I had to abort the following week and lastly for me. And when I finished with the prayer I stopped abruptly, and I looked back. and he was sitting in the same spot, watching me walk away.
Which made me wonder what would've happened if I'd looked back previously, if I'd showed him I cared. I also wondered if he'd been waiting for me to look back all along.